Anniversary and introspection

The past 2 months, I have been reflecting on what my life was a year ago.  On the 1 year anniversary of finding my lump on my neck (March 23), I sat here touching my neck and felt my lump... yep, still there.  On the approximate 1 year anniversary of my ultrasound (end of April), I reflected on the many tiny miracles that found my cancer.  On the 1 year anniversary of my biopsy (May 3), I remembered how scared I was.  Here it is May 10 and I am remembering my phone call from the doc with my results, I am remembering (as if it was yesterday, seriously) my conversation with my husband where he wanted to know what was next.  I remember going to pick up my son from taekwondo and having him tell me to park and come in because they were going to do something special for Mother's Day - they had decorated boards and wanted the moms to break them.  It was soooo therapeutic that day, that immediate release of stress, I knew I wanted (possibly even needed) to do taekwondo when I had this all figured out.  I remember my mom calling while we were on our way home asking if I had heard from the doctor.  I tried to calmly tell her that I had cancer, but, honestly, I felt numb, lost, and like it was all a dream.
   Today, I still feel like it has all been a dream.  I have felt so overwhelmingly blessed through the whole thing, that it is hard to feel sorry for myself when I am having a hard day.  There are VERY hard days.  My body hurts.  My joints stiffen and it hurts to walk when I stand up after sitting or laying for a long time.  Moving helps.   I get so low on energy that about once a day, I start to fall asleep with no warning.  Luckily, this has never happened while driving.  I have NO metabolism.  None.  My high dose of levo is supposed to make me hyperthyroid, but I have little to no symptoms, especially not the one that means my metabolism is increased.  Nope.  Not so lucky.  I, instead, continue to gain wait, albeit slowly now.  I have gained back 62 of the 80 lbs. that took me 2 years to lose.  That thought depresses me more than anything else.  Actually, it sort of makes me want to throw up and cry all at once.  I have trouble sleeping, still.  I never feel rested.  My endo feels like that means I need a sleep study, I reminded her that I've had 4 of them.  My CPAP does not help.
    Someday.  That's what I keep telling myself.  Someday, I will be able to lose weight.  Someday, I won't hurt.  Someday, I will have energy.  Someday, I will be able to get a good night sleep.  Someday, I will feel good.  Someday. 
   Today, I am grateful.  Grateful to be alive.  Grateful for doctors.  Grateful for family and friends.  Grateful for my faith, blessings, and miracles.  Grateful for the hope that "someday" will come... eventually.