This past semester was "Courage." With treatment and the chaos, I forgot to pick up a journal, so I decided to write a letter.
The following is a letter that I wrote to our TaeKwonDo instructor. It documents my family members' reactions to all of my treatments. I felt like it was a good summary of my experiences and thought it was worth posting... for posterities sake. PS - the staff read the letter and presented all of us with t-shirts at graduation. I think they felt like we understood what courage was and how important it can be.
True Courage
I cannot convince my children to
work on the virtue journals… I guess because we have had a lot going on, maybe
because school just started and they are all bogged down with homework. Even though I don’t expect them to get
T-shirts because they didn’t do their journals, I did feel as if I should share
with you what I have witnessed in my children in the past few months because I
think that they should be recognized, even if it’s just between you and I.
5 months ago, I was diagnosed with
Thyroid Cancer. No one expects to hear
the word “cancer” from their doctor and no one plans on getting it. One of the most frustrating things for me was
to hear, over and over in various forms, people say, “Oh, that’s a good cancer
to get” or “If I had to have cancer, that’s the one I would pick.” I understand why they say that, it’s because
people can live a very long time with Thyroid Cancer (it’s slow growing) and
because once you remove the Thyroid, you have removed the majority (if not all)
of the cancer and therefor have a fairly good prognosis. Over the past few months, I have come to
understand that truly, there is NO “good cancer” and that no one would ever
choose this one or any other cancer. Theoretically,
it is a simple process, but in reality, there is so much more than that. There are risks to the surgery, damage to the
vocal cords, the parathyroid glands, and various other normal surgical risks
(blood clots, internal scar tissue, reactions to anesthesia, etc.) There is no possible way to remove ALL of the
thyroid tissue because of how it sits in your neck… so follow up treatment
includes Radioactive Iodine to kill off that remaining tissue. This carries it’s own risks, like being radioactive
for a week, as well as possibly burning your taste buds, possible damage to
your salivary glands and tear ducts, and possible rapid tooth decay. All of this and because thyroid tissue is one
that can regenerate in your body, there is possibility of reoccurrence of the
cancer later on down the road. This all
seems like it would be a burden for me, and me alone, but it is not. Being a wife and mother, this isn’t just my
battle, nor is only my weight to carry. This has affected my family in ways I
could not imagine beforehand.
T, my youngest, had only ever
seen people get very, very sick and/or die from cancer. In fact, she found out that I had cancer just
about a month and half after her elementary school teacher’s husband (who was
also one of our neighbors) died of cancer.
He left behind 3 little girls, just about her age. I worried how she would react. Overall, she has kept her concerns to
herself, she has internalized it all.
She watches me like a hawk and likes to cuddle… despite my attempts to reassure her of the
future long life I intend to lead, I think she is afraid she is going to lose
me. However, she has shown a strength
that no 8 year old should have to have… she amazes me!
M takes a more open and outward
approach to her feelings. She, too,
likes to be near me more than before, however, she also asks a lot of questions
and quickly, within a week of me sharing my diagnosis with her, became an
expert on my course of treatment and followed up with me on every
appointment. She would know exactly when
my appointments were and what we would be doing there and what was next. She has been the most, outwardly, emotional
through the process but it is because she cares so much. She just wants everyone to be happy and
healthy and it hurts her to see anyone having a hard time. She has shown a deep compassion and love… I
am in awe of her.
C has been the hardest to
read. Perhaps I can describe his change
in behavior as growth. He is typically
fun loving and even a little goofy, but as he has dealt with his feelings and
our family’s stress levels, he maintains a positive attitude but has also shown
a maturity that I didn’t expect… he continues to surprise me.
S, being the oldest, has
allowed himself to take the majority of the burden that the children carry… but
in so doing has enhanced his greatest qualities and given me a great peace. He has shown all of the reactions of all of
his siblings, strength, compassion, and maturity, but even more intensely. My health and the complicated dynamics it has
created emotions that he has had to face head on and does with grace and
dignity… he is incredible.
My husband carries the biggest
weight on his shoulders. He has had to
worry about how to care for our children when I haven’t been able. He has been
my chauffer to and from DC at least 7 times in the last 4 months… driving me
1.5 hours each direction. He has had to
sit by my side in countless doctor appointments and in the hospital. He has had to worry about whether or not my
treatment would work, whether or not my surgery would have complications, and
whether or not we will be battling this for years to come. He has had to do all of this while being the
sole provider for our family and while interviewing for and starting a new position
in his company. There are no words to
describe the love I feel for him.
Losing a thyroid is tough on your
body. Your thyroid regulates your
appetite and metabolism, heart rate, and body temperature. I have spent the last 2 years losing 80 lbs.
and from the time of surgery in August, I have already gained 20 of that
back. I also get really fatigued as the
day wears on. Most of the time, I can
not properly regulate my body temperature.
Weight gain, energy loss, and not being able to regulate body
temperature is normal after a thyroidectomy, even on the synthetic thyroid
hormone that I will take every day for the rest of my life. The physical difficulties are nothing
compared to the emotional roller coaster that we have all been on, but my
family has demonstrated so many great qualities during it all, it has made it
easier for me. When I look over the past
5 months, I see one overwhelming virtue in all of them… true courage. We were all thrown into a very scary
situation for all of us and they have all faced it, dealt with, and have all
come out stronger than when we started.
Because of them, my fear has been eased.
I am truly blessed.
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